Elizabeth Edwards got it right

Each Christmas since 2007, I wondered (and hoped and hoped and hoped), if that Christmas will be the last one spent as the two of us, and that the next Christmas we'll have three of us (one of whom is a squirming, wiggling little baby.) Last Christmas (2009), we had just finished an IUI (unsuccessful), but I had renewed hope for the future, knowing that 2010 would be the year of more infertility treatments (and they all couldn't be unsuccessful, right?) I was so certain that we'd spend Christmas as a threesome in 2010.

I slept in on Christmas morning, this year. I shouldn't have had the chance to sleep in. I should have been grumbling at 5:00a, trying to latch a mouth onto a nipple. It pisses me off that I had the option to sleep in. The morning sickness I experienced that day was nice (as it meant I was pregnant), but it still didn't fill the void.

I just read this...and wow, it hit home. Elizabeth Edwards wrote/said he below (about three years ago)...there's so much truth to it.

I have often described the death of a child in this way: in life we have a blackboard on which we write all the things we are doing -- our jobs, coaching soccer, working at Goodwill, going to basketball games, whatever. And the board is full, so when the next thing comes along, we find a corner or the board to add a computer class or a space between other things for book club or sewing Halloween costumes. It is full and lively and seemingly all important.

And then your child dies, and all the things that were so important that you worked to squeeze them in? Well, they are all erased. And you are left with an empty blackboard. Everything you thought was important was not. And the next time you write something on the board, you are very, very careful about what it is. Your choices about what to do and how to do it are so much more deliberate. Doing something that is so patently important as public service -- whatever your politics -- well, that seems like an easy call. That is worth some of the space. And putting something on the board, well, it allows you -- in your words -- to function another day. And each day that you find something else worthy of the board makes it a little easier to put one foot in front of the other. And each day you functioned the day before makes it easier to function again. Are there still bad moments, even bad days nearly twelve years later? Sadly, there are. But they are not as frequent and they don't happen in that same emptiness you feel today. Now when they happen, we can turn to something that we have written, something worthy of our time, of his parents' time and we can function through that pain. As you will -- not without [your child], but with [your child] not as a living, breathing daughter [or son] but as an inspiration and a helper to decide what is worthy of your blackboard. 

My blackboard still has a large empty area. There were four Christmas cards I received (each one showed multiple pictures of a new little baby born a few months prior), and they made me realize how big that empty space on my blackboard still is. 

Tossing my "speciality business-class" cookies at 40,000 feet

Uh, where did this morning sickness COME from? I aways heard that if you got to 9 weeks with no (or minimal) sickness, you hitched a ride on the "lucky bastard" boat.

Just within the last few days, it's been morning sickness city. It starts in the morning, gets worse in the afternoon and then gets miserable by the evening. Christmas morning, M greets me with a kiss and a "Merry Christmas". I kiss him back, wish him a happy Christmas, and then turn my head and puke. All in less than a minute.

Last night, we had the red-eye flight (a 4.5 hour flight) back home. Luckily, I was able to get us upgraded to business class, so I figured it would be an awesome flight back. Not so much. Not 30 minutes into the flight, I was puking my guts up into one of those little white paper bags they provide in the back of the seats. Apparently dinner, a cup of ginger ale, a shortbread cookie, and two Sees candy pieces fills up one of those bags to about 75%...in case you are wondering.

After that, when I closed my eyes, the morning sickness feeling got worse, so needless to say, I didn't get much shut-eye on that red-eye. It was a miserable flight. I can only imagine how much worse it would be if we were in coach.

However, the drunk lady sitting in front of us who was hitting on the 17 year old sitting next to her (who was the same age as her stepson and son, which we were told MULTIPLE times) did provide some entertainment. Sadly, she didn't get too bat-sh!t-crazy when the stewardess took her wine away from her. So, the drama ended soon after. Boo.

So, after we got home this morning, I slept until 4p, stopping only to pay the girl next door for taking care of the cat, and answering the door for the USPS guy. Hopefully I can sleep tonight.

Just for fun, I decided to try out the fetal heartbeat doppler I got back in March. I tried using it at 11.5 weeks on Luke, but couldn't pick up anything. However, I think I picked up the heartbeat tonight (at 11w1d). The sound was soft, but it was constant. I counted 27 beats in 10 seconds, which equates to a heartrate of about 162, which is about right. It took me awhile to find it. I had to go over to the right side and aim it up towards my head, and I was able to pick it up that way.

Breathe, breathe...my first purchase that will not fit into a memory box

I haven't been able to buckle my jeans for the last week. Prior to that, I was still able to buckle them, but I did rock the belly band for when the bloat came on full force towards the evening. (BTW- that is not me in the picture above.)

Thankfully, I can still fit into my work pants (quite well, actually). But the jeans just gave up on me. So today, MIL and I went to Kohls and she bought me a pair of maternity jeans for Christmas. I couldn't decide between two pairs, and they were on sale anyways, so I bought another pair. TWO PAIRS of maternity jeans. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Yes, I know they won't fit into a memory box. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

I have to admit, I did enjoy shopping in the maternity section, rubbing my fat baby bump, feeling like a smug, fertile, pregnant chick. I was even wearing a tight-ish sweater, all the better to accentuate the fat baby bump.

So, I now have two (TWO!) items of maternity wear. And holy sweet Jesus, they are comfy. One has a smallish maternity panel, which means I can wear them even on a non-maternity-basis and not feel totally weird (only 60% weird). The other pair has the full on panel which scream "I am pregnant! Look at my bump!"

Today I am pregnant and I love my fat baby bump.

The lucky touch

M and I seem to have luck when it comes to drawings and other games of chance. I wish this luck would spill into other parts of our lives, but it is what it is.

Tonight was the company holiday party. I really wanted to stick my head under the chocolate fountain (I refrained...barely). M ended up winning an XBox 360 Kinect through the raffle drawing. About two years ago, I won a Wii in a drawing, so it's ending up that most of our entertainment systems are acquired through sheer luck.

Each person upon entering was given two drink tokens, which could be used for alcoholic drinks. So, I gleefully gave my tokens to M, and sipped on OJ and water for the night. I've never been more happy to be 100% sober at a company holiday party.

Ultrasound #5

Had ultrasound #5 today at 9w1d. Heartbeat was measuring at 180-something. Wow! I didn't know it went that high! Got to see the little arms waving, which was cool. It was nice to be able to enjoy that view knowing that only good news was coming out of that ultrasound. Last time we saw a little baby waving at us, all I could think was "You poor thing, I love you so much, but you have no hope."

We officially graduated from the RE today. Hopefully the next time I see him I'll have a healthy squirming baby in my arms. He said that once I am done breastfeeding, we can cycle again. I figured as much, but as I wish to breastfeed for a year (assuming the girls don't let me down), that doesn't play into my plans very well of getting pregnant before my eggs call it quits entirely.

I remember how giddy I felt when we graduated from the RE last time. I was confident that I wouldn't see the RE again for another 1-2 years. 4 months later, I was back in her office.

This time when we left, the RE said to stop by after the baby was born. I couldn't keep the thoughts from coming into my head, "Well, yeah that's a nice thought, but you may see me sooner than you think."

But regardless....today I am pregnant and I love my baby (rinse, repeat).

And here it is...more blob-ish in this picture than we saw on the screen. S/he's (really thinking "he") is measuring an inch long. The SCH is smaller than it was last time. So hopefully, this means it is going away and won't resurface again. I can't help but stare at that little white sliver up near the head and hope against hope that white sliver is evidence of a skull bone. The tech said that we wouldn't be able to tell if it had skull bones until 16-20 weeks. She's wrong, but I didn't feel like arguing with her. We'll find out at the NT Scan in 3 weeks, regardless. Another 3 weeks of blissful ignorance isn't too bad.

Kitty Zen Picture of the Day

Life is seriously rough.

Holiday Baking and Snow!

As Christmas gifts for our co-workers, for the past few years, I've baked. Everyone likes food, food isn't going to end up at Goodwill 3 months later, so it seems like a good gift. This weekend was the baking weekend.

But first, we started off the holiday by going to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra on Friday night:

I had full on morning sickness for the first time on Saturday. The last few days, I've been feeling "off", but only at night. Saturday afternoon it hit with a vengence. I learned that red pepprs eaten at 9a are still in the stomach at 3p.

That night, we went to a Christmas party. The host and hostess lost a baby recently, I think around 15 weeks or so. She talked so candidly about it. I was amazed. I can talk candidly about our losses, but talking about them usually causes my eyes to tear up.

While I was baking today, it started snowing (well, at least what the south considered snow...the rest of the country would call them flurries.) It was great, as some of the recipes called for "chilled dough", so I just stuck the dough right outside the door, and bam! Chilled dough!

Yes, this counts for snow in the south. Look closely...you can see tiny flakes!

Here is the mass baking result:

-ginger cookies

-fudge and peanut butter puddles

-chocolate turtles

-mint and chocolate cookies

-snowballs

-orange brownies (but w/out the icing...it's too sweet with it)

-cake balls

So today, I was barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Every 1950's dream :)





Surprise ultrasound!

I went to my "am I PG" appt at my OBGYN...pretty much just a "pee in a cup" and "fill out all the PG paperwork" appointment.

I told him that I'll officially graduate from the RE next Monday after an u/s at the RE's office, and he says, "Well, I know you've been through a lot. Let's do a quick ultrasound and make sure everything is still good since it's been a week since your last one." (Love this guy!)

I've never been so inclined to unzip my pants so fast! He did a belly u/s and he said everything looks great. I still have the SCH, but it's "super tiny" and "in a good location".

No take home pictures of the u/s, but he said that everything looked perfect. He also said "Since everything looks great at this point in the pregnancy, your miscarriage rate goes down to 1%." I know he meant to make me "feel better" about this pregnancy, but I laughed and said something to the effect of that I'm a master of defying odds.

So, u/s #5 is scheduled for next Monday at the RE, and then I go in on Jan 3 for the NT scan. Deep breath for the NT scan....please please please let there be skull bones and no other issues that are "incompatable with life".

Kitty Zen Picture of the Day

 M and I were unpacking from our trip. Apparently, an empty suitcase is just as good as an empty box to sit in.

We have a blob!

Had ultrasound #3 this morning. It’s still too soon to see if there is a skull (I'll be crossing my fingers until they tell us that this one has skull bones), but all looked good. Baby (the white blob…the size of a blueberry) is measuring on schedule (7 weeks, 3 days) with an appropriate heartbeat (150+). So, this puts my new official due date at 7/17/11.

They found a possible reason for the bleeding. I have a blood clot type of thing between the gestational sac and the cervix. The RE wasn’t worried about it, as it will most likely have no effect on the growing sac. If the clot was above the sac (meaning sac was between the clot and the cervix), this could pose a problem, as the bleeding from it could mess with the sac. Thankfully, that’s not the case.

Ultrasound #4 is scheduled for 12/13 (9 weeks, 1 day), and assuming everything looks good at that appointment, I’ll graduate from the RE and head back to the OBGYN.

NYC and a NJ emergency room

M and I left for NYC on Friday 11/19. We spent a few glorious days in the city, and even took a rowboat out on the lake in Central Park. I was fighting a cold/cough, but we still had a great time. On Monday I started spotting. It was light, and brown and visible only when I wiped. It freaked me out.

This is the first time I ever spotted with any of my PGs (except the spotting I got the day before I lost Baby October).

The spotting got lighter Monday evening, heavier Tues morning, lighter Tues evening, heavier Wed morning, and then got progressively heavier throughout the day. Wed night/Thurs morning it was heavier and quite colorful (brown, pink, and red).

That Tuesday evening, we left NYC and headed to the NJ suburbs where my brother lives to stay with him for the rest of our trip. He lives in one of the Oranges (I can never remember which one, but he says it's the "nice Orange"). We did end up making another jaunt into the city the Friday after Thanksgiving to see the Rockettes, but for the most part took it easy.....very easy.

Around 7a on Thanksigiving, I ended up going to a New Jersey ER this morning (thankfully it was before all the "hey, let's fry our frozen turkey" burn victims started coming in, so the wait was minimal).

The good (and bad) news was that they couldn't find any reason for the bleeding. I would have liked to have an answer for why. But, the baby looked good on the ultrasound (the tech did a belly ultrasound) and was measuring at 6w3d and had a heartrate of 120. My betas came back in the 28k range, and my cervix was closed.

After Thursday, the bleeding got lighter and lighter, and now it's about done. I wonder if the combination of the coughing (due to my cold) and the Lovenox (blood thinner) could have been a cause.

We flew back home last night. I couldn't believe the amount of Fertiles on that plane flight. It seems like everyone had 4+ kids, all under the age of 6. Needless to say, it wasn't a quiet flight. It's amazing that reproduction comes so easily to some people. I'm seriously in awe.

Our next ultrasound is at the RE's tomorrow (Wed 12/1). Fingers crossed for good news.

Ultrasound #1

The sac is in the right place, there's a yolk sac inside the gestational sac, and it's measuring right where it should be, based off of ovulation date. Whew!

That little arrow is pointing at the yolk sac.

I go back in for ultrasound#2 on Dec 1. By then, we should see 1.5 weeks of growth and a heartbeat. Fingers crossed!!!

3rd Beta Results: 3,655

I had the third and final beta drawn today.....3,655, which is right on target! Based off of the 270 beta number from exactly one week ago, assuming the betas doubled every 48 hours (as they ideally should), then I would be at 2160 yesterday, and 4320 tomorrow, so 3655 is right in the middle of those two numbers.

Since by my LMP I'll be 6weeks and 4 days on Friday, they are having me come in for an ultrasound. Typically, the heart starts beating in the 6th week. I explained to the nurse who told me this that I'm not going to be 6w4d on Friday, as I ovulated about a week late. She said that they EDD off of the LMP, so I'm 6w4d. I don't think they'll see much besides a sac, but I know the RE can't send my off to an OBGYN until they see a heartbeat on ultrasound, so it looks like I'll be getting two early ultrasounds, which sounds fine to me. More chances to see this little one! M is coming with me on Friday. Fingers crossed for good news!

Kitty Zen Picture Of The Day

It's like Christmas morning each time we come home with a new box (this one is compliments of Costco).

Such a beautiful sight

Ah, such a beautiful sight to behold. I recognize I may be alone (or at least in a small subset of the population), but this picture ranks right up there with sunrises on the beach. Pictures of dried pee. Ahhhhh......

The darkening test line (the line on the left) is proof that the HCG is rising. Every single day the HCG rises, I get further away from a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage. Not to say that stuff can't go wrong later (been there, done that), but this is the hurdle I'm jumping over right now.


I have one last beta draw on Wednesday, and then our first ultrasound a week later. M missed our first ultrasound with Luke, as he was in China. We're going to go to this one together, work be damned. I know what it's like to be alone in the ultrasound room and told your baby is going to die this year. I can't take another piece of news like that alone.

I'm back on the Lovenox injections in the belly. So far, minimal bruising. Primarily, I get blood blisters at the injection site, about 1/4 of the size of a dime. However, I do have one lovely bruise, pictured for your horror here:

So far, my only pregnancy symptoms are cramping, sensitive nipples, and tiredness. But, the tiredness does seem to come and go. Today, I was excited to finish up the powder room, but I just had to take a nap. 2.5 hours later, I woke up quite refreshed. Now, it's midnight and I'm not tired at all.

Oh, and the dreams. Very vivid, and X-rated dreams. However, the dream I had last night was quite frustrating, as instead of, ahem, finishing the job, I kept getting distracting by spiders. They were crawling everywhere and I kept trying to smoosh them.  ::awaits the hate mail from PETA::

My PSA of the day....the new carne asada bake at Costco is heavenly. M and I went to Costco right at 9a this morning. It was great having the whole store to ourselves that early in the morning. Afterwards, we parked ourselves at the food court and spilt a carne asada bake. I should have just gotten a whole one for myself. Yum.

Tonight we went over a friend's house. There were 4 couples (and three kids), including M and I. Couple A has a 2.5 year old and a 1.5 year old. Couple B has a 1.5 year old. Couple C is 10 weeks pregnant from a successful FET. And, we were couple D. I have to admit....it would have been really hard tonight if I wasn't pregnant, as the majority of the talk centered around babies and pregnancy. I would have felt like the infertile-miscarrying black sheep. Couple A wanted us to take their crib and changing table (very kind of them), but I had to decline (for now). I would have a hard time handling seeing that crib and table in our designated "nursery room" if we lost this baby.

Eh? I'm pregnant?

I'm still scratching my head as to HOW this happened. Well, I know HOW it happened (my mom gave me a book when I was 7 that pretty much explained it and had cartoon drawings of two people who oddly resembled my friend's parents)...but I'm a bit sketchy on the details.

My October cycle was cancelled as I was not producing any eggs. So, I waited for my period to come so we could cycle before we went on vacation in November. Well, I waited, and I waited. I took progesterone and provera in an effort to trick my body into thinking I ovulated so that when I stopped the pills, hopefully a period would come. Well, a week after taking the last pill, still no period.

Just for fun, I decided to take an internet cheapie HPT on Sunday (I had recently ordered 40 of them). Odd....two lines appeared. At this point, I was thinking "You bastards! You sent me OPKs instead of HPTs!" So I peed on another stick. Two lines appeared. Now I was livid. They messed up the entire batch of HPTs, sending me OPKs instead! I dug around in my "feminine product box" and pulled out another HPT from a different order. Two lines appeared. OK, this was getting ridiculous. I tried a different brand. Two light lines appeared.

OMG. I think I'm pregnant. I dashed off to Target to get a digital HPT, and a pair of baby socks to give M if I was actually pregnant.

I got home and peed on it. "Pregnant". Well holy crap. I wrapped up the digital test and a pair of socks and chucked the box at M.

Now, I've been through this before. I've seen "pregnant" two times in the last year, and still no baby. So, I went off to the RE's office on Monday morning to get blood drawn.

16 days after M and I "did the deed", my betas were 78.4, and my progesterone was 17.1. I went for a draw two days later and my betas were 270.

So far, so good. My nipples are slightly sore, I feel tired between 3p-7p, and I have cramps. All good early PG signs. I'll take them.

I asked the nurse how this could happen. How could I have an RE tell me I wasn't going to ovulate, and then bam! two weeks later, a viable egg is released. The nurse's response? "Just goes to show you drs aren't always right."

No sh!t.

My LMP due date is 7/11/11. But, M an I had sex on CD20, and I think I ovulated 2 days later. So, that wouold put my due date around 7/19/11. So, until I have the first ultrasound results (first week in Dec) to confirm how far along I am, I'll call my EDD at 7/19-ish.

Either way, I hope to spend July 4th next year fat, hot, miserable, and incredibly pregnant. Nothing would bring me more joy.

I have told a few people, and was surprised to get the response "oh, since you weren't cycling you must have been relaxed...THAT'S how you got pregnant!". Uh, no. It doesn't quite work that way. Most likely, it was that I had a delayed response to the $3,000 worth of drugs I pumped myself full of earlier in October.

This past month I've actually been under the most stress I've had lately, as I was wondering if my period was going to come in a timely manner, or if we'd have to wait until January to cycle again. So, yes, I was under a buttload of stress this month. The first year and half M and I were trying to conceive? Not a whole lot of stress. Actually none.

So the "See, you relaxed so you got pregnant" comment will earn you a serious side eye from me for saying the most douchetastic and uninformed comment of the month.

Kitty Zen

This cat has never met a box she didn't like

Watching HGTV can get expensive

I spent a relaxing Saturday morning watching a few episodes of I have no idea what on HGTV. Seeing all these people update THEIR living spaces to cool chic designs made me want to update MY living space. For the most part, the house is pretty well decorated. We don't have any accent walls, but everything matches (mostly) and we have tan walls with white trim (in most rooms).

However, the powder room off the foyer does not have tan walls. Instead, it has floral wallpaper. A house warming gift to us from a previous occupant, apparently.

In addition, as every house built in the 90's can attest to, the brass fixtures were pretty overpowering. Brass outlet plates, brass towel rack, TP holder, sink hardware, light fixture.

So, buoyed by my 2 hours of solid HGTV time, I decided to tackle the wallpaper. $150 at Home Depot later (3 trips required, as I kept realizing that I needed more stuff), I was standing on a step stool ripping off the wallpaper.

Problem was, it wasn't the strip-able wallpaper that comes off in sheets. Oh no, that would be too easy. In addition, I'm fully convinced that whoever installed it did not use wallpaper glue. Instead, they used Gorilla Glue or whatever its 1995 equivalent was. I ruined a perfectly good iron trying to make an "at home steamer".

Here's the carnage. I still have a bit left to do. Then, I'm going to wash the walls, scrub them, prime and paint. I got non-brass colored hardware to replace the brass stuff with.

I'm planning on going to Goodwill or something to find a decorative metal wall piece to paint silver for decoration.

After taking down that wallpaper, painting is going to be an effin breeze. Unfortunately, some of the wallpaper is now stuck to the hardwood floors, so I need to remove that too. Le sigh. I can't believe how much work goes into a room this small. HGTV makes it look soooooooo easy!

Halloween

It's the official start of the holiday season! Soon Thanksgiving will be here, followed by Christmas. Friday was "dress up day" at work, so I donned a whoopie cushion costume. It went over quite well, and elicited such gems from witty co-workers such as "So what happens if I sit on you? Hardee har har."

Here's what the costume looks like. I figured it was a great opportunity to be able to wear yoga pants and tennis shoes to the office, so that's what I paired it with.

I bought a bunch of Halloween candy...pretty much all the stuff I like (chocolate, chocolate, and chocolate), plus a bag of stuff that M likes (hard candy and tootsie rolls...bleh). I think I may have overbought. M put his hat in the ring for getting 8 trick or treaters this year. I was thinking more like 30. We'll see who is right. It's 7:37p right now, and I've only received one so far (he went on and on about our staircase...his mom explained that he really liked stairs).

I think I have enough for 30, no? Well, at least enough to keep one cat busy.

Well, it's now 7:44 and I haven't had anymore trick or treaters. Usually around 8:30p is when the teenagers come out. I'll give anyone candy who is willing to show up on my doorstep. However, they have to be in costume and a "I'm dressed up as me" doesn't cut it. Heck, I myself trick or treated all through high school. I loved going to the rich houses on the golf course, since a bunch of them would forget it's Halloween and therefore just give us money.

Insert...the kids must have gotten the memo that there is candy at our house. I just had 18 kids come to the door...

I don't decorate the house too much, but I do the same thing each year. First, I turn on the light in green room. This makes the front room glow eerily green. One of these days I'm going to get around to painting that room. M picked the color and it looks like a leprechaun was murdered in there.

I put a skeleton type thing on the door:

A jelly, bloody window-clingy "Beware" sign on the dining room window:

The kitty is an extra perk this year.

And I stick a strobe light against the sheers. The strobe light was inherited by M from his college roommate in 2000.  Here's the effect:

Sometimes the younger kids are frightened of the strobe light. I had a few tykes in recent years standing in the middle of our driveway crying while their parents try to coax them up to the house "But honey, it's just a flashing light."

Thankfully, no babies this year (so far). The infant costumes hanging from the racks have caused me to tear up at Target, Costco, Wal-Mart, etc. When I found out we would have a baby in time for Halloween, my mind immediately went to this costume:

While I do look forward to the holidays, it's going to be really hard. I have a lot of "should haves" in my mind right now. I miss my baby so much. I miss the hopes and dreams I had for him. The memories we were going to create. I mourn for what could have been if his neural tube had closed.



October 25

The day is here. October 25. The day we were very much looking forward to ever since we knew I was pregnant. This is the day Luke was due to come into this world.

I have a mixture of feelings today. Sadness, relief, anger.

Today started off with a mental kick in the gut. I went to a chiropractor who I haven't seen since March when I was 10 weeks and full of pregnant smugness. I had to decline a xray at that time due to my "condition" (smug, smug, smug). When I walked in the door this morning, shaking the rain off from my jacket, the doctor greeted me with "So, how is your baby doing?"

Knife in heart. Pour in salt. Rub with lemon juice.

I do find it odd that it hasn't rained for weeks. Where I live, in the south, that's almost unheard of. There's a reason why we have a lush green lawn but don't have one sprinkler head. It's been downright sunny and pleasant. But this morning, I woke up to sweet October rain (with a bit of far away thunder and lightning mixed in). If I was more religious, I may take this as a sign from above. Since I miss my baby and I'm grasping at straws, I'm willing to let the "signs" in today.

As the day went on, I found myself a bit relieved that October 25 was here. Now the reminders of what "should have been" will end ("I should be starting my 3rd trimester today, I should be 35 weeks today, etc). After the first ultrasound, when I saw the perfect heartbeat, I came back to work (full of pregnancy smugness) and wrote down the pregnancy week number on my calendar at my desk, taking my all the way through October 25 (8th week, 9th week, etc). At the end of this month, I will turn the page and I won't have those weekly countdown numbers anymore. November will be beautifully blank.

In addition, I do find the guilt lifting as well. Because, this is the day he probably would have died by if we had not have intervened. I knew he was going to die this year, but we chose the day. However, starting today (10/25), it wouldn't have mattered. He probably would be gone by now anyways. Today, I would be mourning my son regardless. There are times I wished I would have carried to term. There are times I'm glad I didn't. Today, I am at peace with our decision. The outcome would be the same.

I also feel anger today. Anger that one of the main reasons we terminated was to enable us to try again. I was really counting on being pregnant today. But I'm not. Instead, I'm on CD 21 of an annovulatory cycle and my period is nowhere in sight. I have a few thousand dollars worth of drugs sitting in the fridge (Follistim, Repronex, Lovenox), a package full of fresh needles, an empty Sharps container, and enough alcohol swabs to clean a college stadium bathroom. I just need a period.

I remember when I was 10 or so, and dreading my yearly check up at the doctor because I was afraid I would have to get a shot. Now, I can't wait to give myself shots. Multiple shots a day sounds like heaven to me. Every time I poke myself with a needle, I'm that much closer to bringing home a baby. It's so worth it.

My mom sent me a sweet miscarriage/pregnancy loss card. I didn't even know cards like that existed. It was comforting to know that other people remembered and mourn too. That is a hard part of loss. It's wonderful to have the support during that time the loss occurs, but as time goes on, people do forget. The anniversaries that loom so strongly in my mind are forgotten by others. I don't begrudge them this...it's just how it is. But, it's nice when people remember.

I should have been more specific

Last year (and actually in 2007 and 2008), when I blew out my birthday candles, my wish was to get pregnant. Because pregnant=having a baby, right? Apparently not.

I should have been more specific. I've been pregnant twice this year, but still no take-home baby. Therefore, I'm going to put more specifics into my wish-making:

Dearest Birthday Deity, please bless us with a pregnancy that develops normally. About nine months from conception, please let this child be born healthy. Let us take this child home and watch him/her grow up. May the neural tube close, the betas rise normally, and let no blood spill until it's time to go into labor.

Got that Birthday Deity? You're on tilt.

27 minutes left of my 20's and my ute is empty

The realization just hit.

I now shake my head at how naive I was...I really believed M and I would be done building our family by my 30th birthday. It's not the numerical age so much (if Jennifer Lopez can rock it, then so can I)....but it's rather the slap in the face that life took a sharp 180 degree turn from what our plans were.

Are there actually people out there who end up being able to live according to their child-bearing plans? Who think "I'm going to get pregnant this month so I can have the baby in (insert month of choice.)"

The concept just seems so....foreign.

National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

October 15 is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. On this day we remember all babies that have been carried but never met, and those held but never taken home. I will never forget. 
♥In loving memory of Luke and Baby October♥

I posted the above as my facebook status. I "came out" publically about my losses. I debated about doing it all morning. But then I thought, what's the worse that could happen? I try not to get too preachy in my statuses. But lately, it seems like that's all my status updates are (breast cancer, PG loss). For some reason, all the other status updates I could come up with seem so minor. Some people knew about the loss of Luke. Even fewer knew about the loss of Baby October. A friend called me tonight. I anticipate she called about my posting of our second loss. I let it go to voicemail. I'm just not up for talking. I want to mourn my babies in quiet tonight.

At 7p tonight, candles were lit in memory of those lost babies. The idea is that it would create a "wave of light", as in each time zone at 7p around the world, people would light candles, creating the "wave" across time zones.

I went into the green room to light mine. I lit two candles (pictured above). One for Luke and one for Baby October. M came in and we laid down on the floor, talked, and played with the cat. Then, his phone rang, so as he went to answer it, I blew out the candles and told each baby how much we love them.

My ovaries are as lazy as the cat

I'm currently on IUI#5. This is my first IUI cycle with Follistim injections. I started jabbing 150 units of Follistim into my belly on CD (cycle day) 3. On CD6 (yesterday), my estrogen level measured at 71. Which is low.


Therefore, the Dr's office called me yesterday afternoon and told me to up my dose to 300 units a night. This morning, I went in for an ultrasound and blood draw, to see if the estrogen levels were rising like they should be, since I took I higher dose the night before.


I had two follicles on my left, each measuring at 10mm. However, my estrogen did not rise. The opposite happened. They plummeted down to the 40's. Each "mature" follicle produces about 200-300 estrogen (E2). A follicle is considered to be "mature" around 18mm+. So, according to the ultrasound, I should have an E2 level of at least 200 (for 2 half-mature follicles). Since my E2 is in the 40's this most likely means that those two follicles don't have eggs in them.


 Therefore, the Dr cancelled the rest of this cycle. I am so beyond p!ssed right now. I can't even see straight.
Next month (oh yeah, the month M and I are going to NYC for a week and a half, our only true "vacation" this year), it looks like they'll increase my dose and start it sooner.


What's that in the future? My 30th birthday in less than 2 weeks? Oh yes, another birthday I will spend pregnantless and childless.


I can't believe I'm out for this month. I can only think in curse words right now.

I see the future and...

According to a psychic, there are children in my future. I asked her if she saw these as adopted children. She said that they were not. It will be interesting to find out if she's right! Here's my reading I got this summer from her. She said that she didn't provide any information about future losses. Personally, I'd rather know than not know.

Again my condolences for your loss in regards to your son. I think that sometimes losses such as his, is also a life lesson. perhaps also being able to have sympathy towards other people in similar situations which will sometimes connect you to other people that are to come into your life. Everything happens for a reason. (BTW- I am NOT a fan of this statement. "Everything happens for a reason" and "God won't give you more than you can handle" are the WORSE things to ever say to a person who is grieving. Be prepared to receive a piece of my mind if you want to throw these gems my way.)

In regards to Luke, I also believe that losses of children at gestation are also things that happen. M/c and abortions etc, are often something that is already worked into the blueprint, the child is knowledgeable about this fact and often returns to the parents after the "lesson" or life event has happened.

Here is what I am seeing for you.

BOY - NOVEMBER so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in

7lbs 8 oz to 7lbs 12 oz, your hair color/eye color

When it comes to your son, hes often the one that your going to find singing in the shower. he is someone who always knows how to relax himself and is often able to take care of himself really well. hes not pushy at all, but can be a bit demanding if something comes up where he feels that he should follow through with it. He really does not want people to push him with their own ideas unless hes ready to do it himself. He would rather take care of things himself and get to know what is coming rather than being warned all of the time.

hes got aspirations, the type of person to always 'Dream big" but wtih his head definitely heading in the right direction. hes not the one that is going to go for goals that are unrealistic. He is someone who knows what is obtainable and makes his way forward.

They show him liking to do things like martial arts, is often doing it more as a relaxing way of doing something. he goes for his different levels of belts, but likes to have fun, meeting new kids, and enjoying the process. Hes always really self disciplined and I think that you can link some of this through his training. hes not competitive with it and is always going to avoid any fight that he can possibly get away from. Not that he is afraid of getting hurt (as he is tough as nails) but he is someone who does not believe in violence and tries anything and everything else.

When ti comes to career paths, they show him taking an interest in meteorologist positions and ends up being linked to something in this field.

When it comes to marriage I am seeing him closer to 26 they will have two girls and one boy of their own.

BOY - AUGUST so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in.

8lbs 3 oz to 8lbs 6 oz, darker hair color and same eye color as his brother.

I am seeing him often looking up to his older brother. He wants things to like him and is often copying him which is going to drive his brother nuts if he wants to have some of this alone time.I think that you are going to find him as the type that can play off on his own, often playing with little toys. He loves trains and dinosaurs. I am seeing him as someone who prefers certain colors over anything else. He prefers to wear the same type of clothes, loves corduroy pants, and anything blue or green. Hes someone who does not care if he is covered in dirt and seems to have no problems with coming to the table while his clothes are dirty only to be sent back in to go and change. He can often keep himself occupied for hours and just having fun. Hes not one to cause many problems, you rarely ever have to raise your voice at him. He tends to express himself in a positive way and always is a good person. They show him loving to work with his hands and is often building things with left over materials found in the house, or from other locations. He likes to keep busy and doesn't mind watching certain shows on tv if they are his favorite.

he is someone who loves to play cards, is often inventing his own games that you will find amusing. often playing along just to see how the game is going to play out. Most times of course he is the one who is going to win, because he is the one that of course knows the rules to the game and people only find them out as they play along.

He is someone who is always going to want to be first, loves to try something new and always takes it upon himself to finish up something so that everyone can use it. Is a good person when it comes to sharing and rarely has to be reminded.

When ti comes to career paths, they show him working for some hydro type company.

When ti comes to marriage I am seeing him closer to 28. They will have two girls and one boy of their own.

_________________________

Now in regards to your archangel portion of this reading, what i do is ask your guides/angels to focus on things in your life that you might require more insight on. Listed below are the information that they have provided. Let me know if you have any problems or questions about interpretation  them.

FIRST CARD

Brilliant Idea
Archangel Uriel: yes your idea is divinely guided. Please take action to bring your idea to fruition.
Your idea is an answered prayer, Even though it may push you past your comfort zone, know that god doesn’t give you anything that you can’t handle. Ask for and be willing to receive, all of the support that you need to bring the idea to fruition. Know that I’ll be there all along the way, and you can ask me for help at anytime. I’m especially glad to give you ideas and creative insights to support your life’s purpose.

SECOND CARD

Crystal-Clear Intentions
Archangel Michael: Be clear about what you desire, and focus upon it with unwavering faith. After praying for guidance, be bold enough to admit what you truly desire. Know that you (along with everyone else) deserve the best of everything, in all ways. Prosperity and abundance are God’s wishes for everyone. You stake your claim on your share of the inheritance by forming a clear mental picture of your desires. Allow yourself to imagine that this desire has already manifested, and experience the emotional and physical feelings of your manifested desire. Don’t worry how the desire will manifest – the infinite creativity of the creator will bring it to you in very clever ways. Simply follow any inner guidance to take steps to co-create this Divine Desire, and allow yourself to receive good as it comes your way.


THIRD CARD

You know what to do
Archangel Uriel: Trust your inner knowledge, and act upon it without delay.
You are far wiser than you realize, and your inner wisdom has already given you the answers that you seek. Embrace this knowledge, and trust it. If you're doubtful, ask me to give you clear signs to validate your thoughts and ideas. I can also help you put your ideas into action, and make decisions about the next steps to take. Just ask me, and then be willing to work with me by taking action.




Now in regards to your reiki session, the one thing that they showed was "narrow tubes' this can mean that they are slightly blocked.. have you ever had an HSG test to ensure that your tubes are clear?

Why "Sweet October Rain"?

October has always been my favorite month. The leaves start changing colors, the nights get coooler, I can start wearing cute jeans with pointy toed boots (are those still in style?), the anticipation of the holiday season is like electricty in the air, and my birthday is in October. And let's face it....birthdays are cool. It's the one day a year I feel 100% special and can inbibe in chocolate cake without feeling the slightest bit guilty.


October rocks.


But, it's also a sad time for me as well. The tears I have shed because of this have resembled rainstorms at times. You see, M and I should be taking a son home from the hospital this month. My due date for him was the same as the due date my mom had for me (I thought this was a "sign" that he was destined for us). I should be getting up 5+ times a night for feedings, changings, and general soothing of a crying baby. M and I should be lying in bed with a little boy between us, discussing whose lips he has or how cute his toes are.


Instead, I watch three other people in my life give birth to sons this month. And it stabs me in the heart. Not because I'm not happy for them, but it's a reminder of what M and I have worked so hard to acheive since 2007, only to have it ripped away. There is also a large part (irrationally) of it's-not-fair-itis. Those pregnancies for them all came naturally...even an "oops!" Mine required pills, shots, time, money, mutliple dr office visits...even conception was not a pleasurable experience. Rather, it was highly uncomfortable and M was miles away. Instead, there were three people in the room during the time of conception, and we were all women.


I had intended to start a pregnancy blog, as an "online" baby book for him. But, a small part of me thought that if I started, I would somehow jinx it and lose the pregnancy. Instead, I was going to maybe start it in October, once he was born and use it to chronicle his life that way.


Now, I don't see this as a pregnancy blog anymore. Instead I see it as a "trying to conceive" blog. That way, if we ever manage to have a child in the future, I can show this to him/her as proof of how much he/she was wanted by M and I.

When I was about 7 years old, I attended my cousin's funeral. My mom had explained to me that my cousin, Amanda, did not have a normal brain and therefore wasn't able to survive. I wasn't phased by this information; rather, I was more interested in the funeral ending so I could go play on the church's playground. Little did I know that 23 years later, I would be told that my son had the same fatal birth defect that claimed Amanda's life. Occurances for this type of birth defect range from anywhere to 1:1,000 to 1:10,000 (depending on what study you read). Either way, lightning struck twice in our family.

After marrying in 2007, M and I were anxious to start a family. Unfortunately, nature had other plans. It would take two and a half years, multiple doctor office visits, blood tests, pills, shots, and ultrasounds before we saw two pink lines staring back at us on a home pregnancy test. Our most recent January IUI had worked! We were beyond elated, and so were our families, as it was to be the first (and long awaited) grandchild on either side of the family.


I was very much ready to welcome all the pregnancy symptoms, as pregnancy was a dream that we worked so hard to achieve. I wanted to experience every second of being pregnant. However, I was one of the lucky ones who breezed through the first trimester without experiencing morning sickness, tiredness, breast soreness, or any of the other "classic" symptoms of pregnancy. The only symptom I had was round ligament pains. Due to my lack of normal pregnancy symptoms, I was scared of having a missed miscarriage. However, my betas rose at the appropriate level, and our baby was actually measuring two days ahead on the ultrasound with a textbook perfect heart rate.

 

Later on that spring, I had some abnormally strong round ligaments pains, so the dr brought me in for an ultrasound just to make sure that everything was still OK in there and that my cervix wasn't dialating. M had to work, so I went by myself, thinking that I was over-reacting, and I was sure it was nothing. After the ultrasound probe was in place, I asked the ultrasound tech if there was a heart rate. "Yes", she replied. I breathed a sigh of relief. I anticipated that the tech would give more information about the heart rate and status of the baby, but she didn't. I waited a moment then asked her, "What is the heart rate?". She told me it was 160, but not to ask anymore questions as she was concentrating on doing the ultrasound.

 

The ultrasound seemed to last forever. Then she turned the screen towards me and said "Do you see this (pointing at the baby's head)? I should see white lines indicating bones, but your baby doesn't have any." I asked her if the skull bones form later. She answered, "no" and told me very bluntly that our baby was "incompatible with life". I saw her type "ancephaly" [sic] on the ultrasound report. She printed out the pictures and left them on the counter for me if I wanted them. I didn't want them at the time, but I knew that later on, I would want to see them. So, I grabbed them and put them in my purse. I'm glad I did. Since then, I have spent hours looking at those pictures, talking to them, cuddling with them. Pictures are all I have of him.

 

She returned to the room a short time later with the doctor who explained to me what anencephaly was (a fatal neural tube defect where the top of the neural tube does not close, leading to malformation of the brain and skull.) The doctor then sent me across the street to the hospital where a MFM doctor would do another ultrasound for a second opinion. I called M and told him through the tears that our baby didn't have a skull and to meet me at the MFM.

 

I walked across the street to the hospital where the MFM was and checked in at the front desk with tears running down my face. The receptionist cheerfully said "Hopefully these are good tears of joy!" I responded that they weren't and put my sunglasses over my eyes to signal that the matter was not open for discussion.

As I waited to be processed, I watched people come and go. I thought how weird it was that everyone in the room was going about their normal day, when for me, it was the end of everything. How did people not realize that this was the worse day ever? From this day on, the sun would never shine as bright, and everything would become more muted. How could people not see this? Why were people not writhing on the floor, moaning and crying due to the emotional pain?

My life would never be the same. All of our hopes and dreams for the last the last two and half years were crushed. Thankfully, M arrived shortly afterwards. He took my purse, put his arm around my waist and supported me as we walked to the MFM office together. The MFM doctor displayed the ultrasound on a large overhead projector screen. We saw him bouncing all around, waving his little arms. Then, the doctor alternated between the belly ultrasound wand and the vaginal ultrasound wand trying to get a better picture of our baby's head. A mass that looked like a Mickey Mouse outline appeared. The doctor put his hand on my arm and told me gently that "Today is not going to have a good outcome." He explained that without a skull to hold the brain matter in, at this point in gestation, his basic brain tissue was more so just floating, resembling a Mickey Mouse pancake.

 

We knew what our options were: terminate the pregnancy or carry to term. We considered carrying to term to donate his organs, namely his liver to a family member. But while an adult liver can be transplated into an infant, and infant liver cannot be transplanted into an adult. In addition, there would be risks opting to carry to term, as anecephalic babies do not always gestate like their healthy counterparts. They don't swallow normally, so fluid has a high chance of building up to dangerous level. The chance of us being able to hold a living child in our arms, if even for a few minutes, was low. "Instead," the MFM doctor informed us, "many anencephalic children die while still in the womb during the third trimester", just like my cousin did. For us, the risks were too great to try carry to term for a baby that would not come home with us, and that would probably not take a breath on his own. In addition, we knew that time was not on our side. It took 2.5 years to get pregnant. I have diminshed ovarian reserve, which means that my ovarian levels are close to that of a 40 year old. Carrying to term would set us back another year in trying to conceive.


Therefore, we elected to turn off life support and end the pregnancy. It is the worst decision a parent ever has to make. The night before the termination, I had to take a pill that would "ripen the cervix". I played with that pill for about an hour. It was so small. A hexagonal pill that came with large warnings on the bottle such as "do not take when pregnant". I wished he was already dead so that I didn't have to be the one to kill him. Despite how painful that decision was, I know it my heart it was the right and humane thing to do. We knew his life would end this year. The only thing that changed was the day.

His name is Luke Michael. We had his DNA run, and he was genetically perfect. The only thing wrong with him was the anencephaly. My body was the reason he didn't have a chance.


Up until that day, a neural tube defect (NTD) was the farthest thing from my mind. I had been taking vitamins (with folic acid!) for the last two years. I even used to silently judge those who had NTD children, thinking that if they just would have taken their prenatal vitamins like they were suppossed to and stayed away from warm baths, this wouldn't have happened. Proper folic acid intake does decrease the incidence of NTDs by 70%. However, there's 30% unaccounted for. I was that 30%. Afterwards, I scoured the internet searching for any possible cause of anencephaly. I came across a few articles that linked a MTHFR gene mutation to improper metabolization of folic acid. I asked my dr to test me for it. Lo and behold, I had two bad copies of the gene: C677T. I can't metabolize folic acid. Also, I have a higher chance of getting blood clots. To combat this, I now take 8mg of folic acid a day (2.6mg of this is a "converted" version of folic acid), and when pregnant, I take Lovenox shots in the belly each day (to thin the blood and reduce the chance of blood clots).

In true "sweet October rain" fashion, I found out I was pregnant (again) on October 1, 2010. The IUI we had done in September with a new RE had worked! I didn't tell M. Instead, I went to the RE's office to get my betas drawn to confirm that the 4 sticks I peed on that morning were accurate. I wanted to wait until the end of the day and surprise M when the good news. Maybe I would send him on a scavenger hunt, or personalize a dessert. The "cutesy" possibilities were endless.


Around 1:30p that day, I got the results from my blood draw that morning. I was pregnant. However, my betas were only 21. For being 14dpIUI, that is less than a third of what they should be. Even though the nurse tried to console me, saying it was the doubling time that mattered, I knew that 21 was too low. I told M that afternoon, but I told him I was pregnant and it probably wasn't viable, all in the same sentence.


Despite knowing that this pregnancy was doomed, I went ahead and began the Lovenox injections that night (which I take every day while pregnant.) By the next week, my betas were at 1.5. I was miscarrying...losing another baby. In October.


The rest of the Lovenox is sitting in my fridge, waiting for the next pregnancy. Hopefully it won't be too long until it gets used.

First Post

::tap tap::
Is this thing on?