Elizabeth Edwards got it right

Each Christmas since 2007, I wondered (and hoped and hoped and hoped), if that Christmas will be the last one spent as the two of us, and that the next Christmas we'll have three of us (one of whom is a squirming, wiggling little baby.) Last Christmas (2009), we had just finished an IUI (unsuccessful), but I had renewed hope for the future, knowing that 2010 would be the year of more infertility treatments (and they all couldn't be unsuccessful, right?) I was so certain that we'd spend Christmas as a threesome in 2010.

I slept in on Christmas morning, this year. I shouldn't have had the chance to sleep in. I should have been grumbling at 5:00a, trying to latch a mouth onto a nipple. It pisses me off that I had the option to sleep in. The morning sickness I experienced that day was nice (as it meant I was pregnant), but it still didn't fill the void.

I just read this...and wow, it hit home. Elizabeth Edwards wrote/said he below (about three years ago)...there's so much truth to it.

I have often described the death of a child in this way: in life we have a blackboard on which we write all the things we are doing -- our jobs, coaching soccer, working at Goodwill, going to basketball games, whatever. And the board is full, so when the next thing comes along, we find a corner or the board to add a computer class or a space between other things for book club or sewing Halloween costumes. It is full and lively and seemingly all important.

And then your child dies, and all the things that were so important that you worked to squeeze them in? Well, they are all erased. And you are left with an empty blackboard. Everything you thought was important was not. And the next time you write something on the board, you are very, very careful about what it is. Your choices about what to do and how to do it are so much more deliberate. Doing something that is so patently important as public service -- whatever your politics -- well, that seems like an easy call. That is worth some of the space. And putting something on the board, well, it allows you -- in your words -- to function another day. And each day that you find something else worthy of the board makes it a little easier to put one foot in front of the other. And each day you functioned the day before makes it easier to function again. Are there still bad moments, even bad days nearly twelve years later? Sadly, there are. But they are not as frequent and they don't happen in that same emptiness you feel today. Now when they happen, we can turn to something that we have written, something worthy of our time, of his parents' time and we can function through that pain. As you will -- not without [your child], but with [your child] not as a living, breathing daughter [or son] but as an inspiration and a helper to decide what is worthy of your blackboard. 

My blackboard still has a large empty area. There were four Christmas cards I received (each one showed multiple pictures of a new little baby born a few months prior), and they made me realize how big that empty space on my blackboard still is. 

Tossing my "speciality business-class" cookies at 40,000 feet

Uh, where did this morning sickness COME from? I aways heard that if you got to 9 weeks with no (or minimal) sickness, you hitched a ride on the "lucky bastard" boat.

Just within the last few days, it's been morning sickness city. It starts in the morning, gets worse in the afternoon and then gets miserable by the evening. Christmas morning, M greets me with a kiss and a "Merry Christmas". I kiss him back, wish him a happy Christmas, and then turn my head and puke. All in less than a minute.

Last night, we had the red-eye flight (a 4.5 hour flight) back home. Luckily, I was able to get us upgraded to business class, so I figured it would be an awesome flight back. Not so much. Not 30 minutes into the flight, I was puking my guts up into one of those little white paper bags they provide in the back of the seats. Apparently dinner, a cup of ginger ale, a shortbread cookie, and two Sees candy pieces fills up one of those bags to about 75%...in case you are wondering.

After that, when I closed my eyes, the morning sickness feeling got worse, so needless to say, I didn't get much shut-eye on that red-eye. It was a miserable flight. I can only imagine how much worse it would be if we were in coach.

However, the drunk lady sitting in front of us who was hitting on the 17 year old sitting next to her (who was the same age as her stepson and son, which we were told MULTIPLE times) did provide some entertainment. Sadly, she didn't get too bat-sh!t-crazy when the stewardess took her wine away from her. So, the drama ended soon after. Boo.

So, after we got home this morning, I slept until 4p, stopping only to pay the girl next door for taking care of the cat, and answering the door for the USPS guy. Hopefully I can sleep tonight.

Just for fun, I decided to try out the fetal heartbeat doppler I got back in March. I tried using it at 11.5 weeks on Luke, but couldn't pick up anything. However, I think I picked up the heartbeat tonight (at 11w1d). The sound was soft, but it was constant. I counted 27 beats in 10 seconds, which equates to a heartrate of about 162, which is about right. It took me awhile to find it. I had to go over to the right side and aim it up towards my head, and I was able to pick it up that way.

Breathe, breathe...my first purchase that will not fit into a memory box

I haven't been able to buckle my jeans for the last week. Prior to that, I was still able to buckle them, but I did rock the belly band for when the bloat came on full force towards the evening. (BTW- that is not me in the picture above.)

Thankfully, I can still fit into my work pants (quite well, actually). But the jeans just gave up on me. So today, MIL and I went to Kohls and she bought me a pair of maternity jeans for Christmas. I couldn't decide between two pairs, and they were on sale anyways, so I bought another pair. TWO PAIRS of maternity jeans. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Yes, I know they won't fit into a memory box. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

I have to admit, I did enjoy shopping in the maternity section, rubbing my fat baby bump, feeling like a smug, fertile, pregnant chick. I was even wearing a tight-ish sweater, all the better to accentuate the fat baby bump.

So, I now have two (TWO!) items of maternity wear. And holy sweet Jesus, they are comfy. One has a smallish maternity panel, which means I can wear them even on a non-maternity-basis and not feel totally weird (only 60% weird). The other pair has the full on panel which scream "I am pregnant! Look at my bump!"

Today I am pregnant and I love my fat baby bump.

The lucky touch

M and I seem to have luck when it comes to drawings and other games of chance. I wish this luck would spill into other parts of our lives, but it is what it is.

Tonight was the company holiday party. I really wanted to stick my head under the chocolate fountain (I refrained...barely). M ended up winning an XBox 360 Kinect through the raffle drawing. About two years ago, I won a Wii in a drawing, so it's ending up that most of our entertainment systems are acquired through sheer luck.

Each person upon entering was given two drink tokens, which could be used for alcoholic drinks. So, I gleefully gave my tokens to M, and sipped on OJ and water for the night. I've never been more happy to be 100% sober at a company holiday party.

Ultrasound #5

Had ultrasound #5 today at 9w1d. Heartbeat was measuring at 180-something. Wow! I didn't know it went that high! Got to see the little arms waving, which was cool. It was nice to be able to enjoy that view knowing that only good news was coming out of that ultrasound. Last time we saw a little baby waving at us, all I could think was "You poor thing, I love you so much, but you have no hope."

We officially graduated from the RE today. Hopefully the next time I see him I'll have a healthy squirming baby in my arms. He said that once I am done breastfeeding, we can cycle again. I figured as much, but as I wish to breastfeed for a year (assuming the girls don't let me down), that doesn't play into my plans very well of getting pregnant before my eggs call it quits entirely.

I remember how giddy I felt when we graduated from the RE last time. I was confident that I wouldn't see the RE again for another 1-2 years. 4 months later, I was back in her office.

This time when we left, the RE said to stop by after the baby was born. I couldn't keep the thoughts from coming into my head, "Well, yeah that's a nice thought, but you may see me sooner than you think."

But regardless....today I am pregnant and I love my baby (rinse, repeat).

And here it is...more blob-ish in this picture than we saw on the screen. S/he's (really thinking "he") is measuring an inch long. The SCH is smaller than it was last time. So hopefully, this means it is going away and won't resurface again. I can't help but stare at that little white sliver up near the head and hope against hope that white sliver is evidence of a skull bone. The tech said that we wouldn't be able to tell if it had skull bones until 16-20 weeks. She's wrong, but I didn't feel like arguing with her. We'll find out at the NT Scan in 3 weeks, regardless. Another 3 weeks of blissful ignorance isn't too bad.

Kitty Zen Picture of the Day

Life is seriously rough.

Holiday Baking and Snow!

As Christmas gifts for our co-workers, for the past few years, I've baked. Everyone likes food, food isn't going to end up at Goodwill 3 months later, so it seems like a good gift. This weekend was the baking weekend.

But first, we started off the holiday by going to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra on Friday night:

I had full on morning sickness for the first time on Saturday. The last few days, I've been feeling "off", but only at night. Saturday afternoon it hit with a vengence. I learned that red pepprs eaten at 9a are still in the stomach at 3p.

That night, we went to a Christmas party. The host and hostess lost a baby recently, I think around 15 weeks or so. She talked so candidly about it. I was amazed. I can talk candidly about our losses, but talking about them usually causes my eyes to tear up.

While I was baking today, it started snowing (well, at least what the south considered snow...the rest of the country would call them flurries.) It was great, as some of the recipes called for "chilled dough", so I just stuck the dough right outside the door, and bam! Chilled dough!

Yes, this counts for snow in the south. Look closely...you can see tiny flakes!

Here is the mass baking result:

-ginger cookies

-fudge and peanut butter puddles

-chocolate turtles

-mint and chocolate cookies

-snowballs

-orange brownies (but w/out the icing...it's too sweet with it)

-cake balls

So today, I was barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Every 1950's dream :)





Surprise ultrasound!

I went to my "am I PG" appt at my OBGYN...pretty much just a "pee in a cup" and "fill out all the PG paperwork" appointment.

I told him that I'll officially graduate from the RE next Monday after an u/s at the RE's office, and he says, "Well, I know you've been through a lot. Let's do a quick ultrasound and make sure everything is still good since it's been a week since your last one." (Love this guy!)

I've never been so inclined to unzip my pants so fast! He did a belly u/s and he said everything looks great. I still have the SCH, but it's "super tiny" and "in a good location".

No take home pictures of the u/s, but he said that everything looked perfect. He also said "Since everything looks great at this point in the pregnancy, your miscarriage rate goes down to 1%." I know he meant to make me "feel better" about this pregnancy, but I laughed and said something to the effect of that I'm a master of defying odds.

So, u/s #5 is scheduled for next Monday at the RE, and then I go in on Jan 3 for the NT scan. Deep breath for the NT scan....please please please let there be skull bones and no other issues that are "incompatable with life".

Kitty Zen Picture of the Day

 M and I were unpacking from our trip. Apparently, an empty suitcase is just as good as an empty box to sit in.

We have a blob!

Had ultrasound #3 this morning. It’s still too soon to see if there is a skull (I'll be crossing my fingers until they tell us that this one has skull bones), but all looked good. Baby (the white blob…the size of a blueberry) is measuring on schedule (7 weeks, 3 days) with an appropriate heartbeat (150+). So, this puts my new official due date at 7/17/11.

They found a possible reason for the bleeding. I have a blood clot type of thing between the gestational sac and the cervix. The RE wasn’t worried about it, as it will most likely have no effect on the growing sac. If the clot was above the sac (meaning sac was between the clot and the cervix), this could pose a problem, as the bleeding from it could mess with the sac. Thankfully, that’s not the case.

Ultrasound #4 is scheduled for 12/13 (9 weeks, 1 day), and assuming everything looks good at that appointment, I’ll graduate from the RE and head back to the OBGYN.