4 years ago today, M and I made it legal. The main driver for getting married was to have kids. We wanted to have kids within the confines of marriage.
That night, we went "birth control-free" for the first time. Just based on the timing, I figured the chances of conceiving were slim, but if high school Sex Ed taught me anything it was that a tenacious sperm could live for months inside the ute, just waiting for a halfway viable egg to pounce on and make into triplets tha all have colic. And for some reason, prom-sperm were even more tenaticious in their attempts and had super powers that financially/emotionally responsible/mature sperm did not possess.
Conceiving on our wedding night, while it would have made for an "Awww, how cute!" story, would have put a kink in our plans, as our honeymoon was scheduled for three weeks later, and I didn't want to be pregnant on my honeymoon! That would have been a total bummer. Practicality win, since I was not pregnant on our honeymoon.
 |
| Prom-Sperm (magnified) |
Conceiving on our wedding night, while it would have made for an "Awww, how cute!" story, would have put a kink in our plans, as our honeymoon was scheduled for three weeks later, and I didn't want to be pregnant on my honeymoon! That would have been a total bummer. Practicality win, since I was not pregnant on our honeymoon.
I wonder if someone would have come up to me on our wedding day and told me that in a 4 year timeframe we would go to hell and back, if I would have believed him/her. I wonder if anyone who goes through infertility and/or loss thinks about that possibility on their wedding day, or if they assume (like I did) that growing a family would be easy-peasy. Our wedding vows/speech mentioned future children...a few times. I can see the naitivity in my face from photos of that day. Mind-blowing where 4 years takes you.
 |
| 9/1/07 |
I just looked at the clock and realized exactly 4 years ago, I was at the beauty shop getting my hair and makeup done. Now, I'm feeding a child (and typing....the queen of multi-tasking); the reason why we wanted to get married in the first place. We reached our goal.
I've heard "Well, isn't she worth it" more than a few times. Usually via an attempt to point out the silver lining as is required by civilized conversation so that everyone feels hunky dorey. Here's the thing...I know I would have loved her just as much had she been conceived 4 years ago. This is a rhetorical question, as the only appropiate answer is "Of course she is wotrh it." But that question also comes with the assumption that she's going to erase all the pain endured up until the point of her arrival, or somehow make it "all better". Or, I'm going to love her more because of what we went through. It doesn't work like that.
No one would ever go up to a mother who conceived on her first attempt and tell her that she must not love or appreciate her child as much because she didn't have to deal with infertility or loss. Therefore I find it odd when people allude to the fact that since we had to go through crap to bring Corinne home that we love her more or appreciate her more than if she was a "honeymoon" baby. Having her doesn't erase the last 4 years. I would have much rather NOT had my heart ripped out last April or gone through the frustration of infertility and miscarriage.
Which brings us back to "Well, isn't she worth it?" Yes, of course she's worth it. I would endure anything to keep her alive. If I could keep her alive and well by having a cartoon image of Snooki tattooed on my butt, I would. It doesn't mean I want Snooki on my butt; nor does it mean that I love or appreciate Corinne any less because I don't have Snooki on my butt. I would just much rather prefer to keep Corinne alive and well IN ADDITION to having a Snooki-less ass.
Corinne erased the fear of "will we ever be parents", but having her doesn't erase that all consuming pain of the first morning after the D&C, waking up, and realizing there were no longer two separate souls in my body. Instead, there was just one: a lonely, broken one.
Having her makes me look at infertility and loss with a more Zen-like approach, but she doesn't make it "all better". That's a lot of responsibility to put on one little girl. She can bring immense joy, and help to fill in those emotional cracks, but the cracks are still there. I wish my emotional foundation was crack free...the way it was 4 years ago. But, if it was, that would mean that she, in her present state, wouldn't be here. I wish for an impossibility, and I've come to terms with that. I know I can't have it both ways, but it doesn't mean that I don't wish for it.
